Forgive Me For I Have… Not Written

Well it’s been 300 years since my last post. My New Year’s resolution, I believe, was to blog more and I can’t help but laugh because so far, I would have to say my success rate is near zero. The person I’m asking forgiveness from is actually myself. I write for me and aim to satisfy my need to fully express myself and be understood on a daily basis.

When I set out to create this blog, I had visions of writing every day and exploring topics that truly got me riled up or inspired. At the time I had newly quit my career essentially and transitioned from working all the time, to not knowing what to do with all my time. I use the word “career” instead of job because back then that was what consumed so much of my time, my life, my mind and my being for the preceding 7 years. It was a difficult and extremely humbling transition- one that made me question my worth, my values, and whether or not I was truly living an authentic life. In a way I felt like I had lost my voice and my way.

In an effort to get back to that (and I’m still exploring what “that” is), I am trying to get back on track with my blog. You’ll notice that I’ve tried many ways and many times to incorporate different series on my blog, in a valiant effort to get myself to pick up a pen, so to speak. Unfortunately none of those tactics worked because the result always ended up lacking in authenticity and this did nothing but damper my drive to express myself in a way that made me feel real.

What I really learned about myself during these last few years is that I am a true perfectionist, but one that is dysfunctional. And at the core of that dysfunction is the fear of failure. For example, I strive to finish everything I start and I aim for perfect results but the dysfunction lies in the fact that if I feel I cannot complete it or perfect it, I will not begin it- I won’t even try. There lies my ultimate barrier. However, I am constantly reminded that life is short- we can stand still or we can wander with hope. At the end of the day, all anyone ever wants is just to connect with another soul and feel truly heard.

Anyway, lots have changed since my last post. I gave birth to a sweet little person, I quit sleep and no longer work (I like to pretend that perhaps I may never go back lol). I am of course just kidding, my kid thank God has turned out to be a relatively easy-going baby, work will always be there (but not my everything) and while my sleep is far from restful, it has nothing to do with her (bless the Lord).

Here’s to writing again. Side note: this is uncharted territory for me and rather scary because I am actually putting it out there, but we all must have a starting point- here’s mine.

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