I’m at the wall.
I feel myself unraveling.
Like a tangled ball of yarn that works until it doesn’t.
Until you get to the part where it’s tangled and you have zero slack, then you decide to chuck it against the wall because what else is there to do.
I’m not sure if I am the tosser in this yarn analogy or if I am the ball of yarn but either way I’m frayed, taut, and ready to snap.
That’s how I really want to answer the polite pleasantries I’m asked on the daily:
How are you?
How was your weekend?
How’s it going?
I just want to scream, “IT’S CRAP! It’s really very crap!”
How’s that for honesty!?
By this time every week I am usually doing the final edits for my weekly post but today (Tuesday) rolled around and I still had not a thing. I wanted this Wednesday’s post to be dedicated to Mother’s Day but for the life of me, I just haven’t had the motivation to get this post off the ground. My exhaustion is catching up to me. I’m at the stupid wall.
I didn’t want this to be a ‘filler’ post just to be able to say I posted something but then I thought, this is what’s real right now- this tidal wave of exhaustion is probably the most relatable thing ever. So, I’m going with it. Come with me. I know you’re tired too.
Tuesdays are typically the days I try to put on my superwoman cape and do everything to the best of my abilities. I work from home on Tuesdays and it’s the one day where I feel like I have a good chance of getting everything done (because weekends aren’t really ‘weekends’ if you’re manning a child all day and preparing for imminent disaster on varying levels). Most weekdays I am physically at work (save for every other Thursday when I also work from home) but every Tuesday I can pretty much count on having the flexibility of working from home. On these days I do (on top of my regular paid job) the following while my child and I are reaping the splendid benefits of daycare:
- meal prep dinner for the week
- light to heavy-duty cleaning around the house (with a focus on bathrooms/most-lived areas)
- finalize my blog post of the week and make notes for the following week’s post
- finish leftover laundry from the weekend
- follow-up on any random errands/deadlines (i.e. appointments, to-do lists, groceries as necessary, household needs, etc.)
I made it through today by the skin of my teeth and was only able to get dinner on the table and an extra meal for the week. That’s it (and, well, hopefully this non-post-but-actually-it’s-a-totally-real post). Today was the first time in a long time that I considered skipping a week. Not that I don’t have anything to write about but because it’s been a difficult couple of weeks. I feel drained and constantly in a ‘catch-up’ state of mind. Every time I feel like I’m a smidgen ahead of the game, something else always comes up and I’m once again knee-deep behind on something else.
I guess it doesn’t help that the past two weeks have been filled with anxiety and emergency room visits with my daughter (we’re all okay and covid-free). The more anxious I feel, the worse the decisions I make. I’m slowly allowing negative thoughts to seep into my carefully crafted (yet fragile) positivity bubble. The small space I usually reserve in my brain for negativity (I declare this the “realism” sub-sphere) is slowly expanding and I feel like it’s making a permanent home in my psyche. On the one hand, I hate being negative because I honestly believe there is always (always!) something to be grateful for and I never want to be in a helpless state of woe, but on the other hand, I want to allow myself some grace. Everyone deserves a bit of grace; a moment to feel all the necessary feels.
I don’t have a clever way of ending this rant but since Mother’s Day is around the corner, I wanted to wish every mama out there a Happy Mother’s Day! We’ve all had a tough go, no matter your individual journeys. Please take a moment (or an hour, or a whole day) to admire your strength, your will, your power, your endurance, your courage, your spirit, and allow yourselves some grace. You deserve it, you’ve been holding it together for so damn long. Finally, when you feel good enough to get back up to start the next day all over again, put on that S cape and go over and kick that stupid wall down.
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