The Wall

I’m there. 
I’m at the wall.
I feel myself unraveling.
Like a tangled ball of yarn that works until it doesn’t.
Until you get to the part where it’s tangled and you have zero slack, then you decide to chuck it against the wall because what else is there to do.
I’m not sure if I am the tosser in this yarn analogy or if I am the ball of yarn but either way I’m frayed, taut, and ready to snap.

That’s how I really want to answer the polite pleasantries I’m asked on the daily:
How are you?
How was your weekend?
How’s it going?

I just want to scream, “IT’S CRAP! It’s really very crap!”

How’s that for honesty!?

By this time every week I am usually doing the final edits for my weekly post but today (Tuesday) rolled around and I still had not a thing. I wanted this Wednesday’s post to be dedicated to Mother’s Day but for the life of me, I just haven’t had the motivation to get this post off the ground. My exhaustion is catching up to me. I’m at the stupid wall.

I didn’t want this to be a ‘filler’ post just to be able to say I posted something but then I thought, this is what’s real right now- this tidal wave of exhaustion is probably the most relatable thing ever. So, I’m going with it. Come with me. I know you’re tired too.

Tuesdays are typically the days I try to put on my superwoman cape and do everything to the best of my abilities. I work from home on Tuesdays and it’s the one day where I feel like I have a good chance of getting everything done (because weekends aren’t really ‘weekends’ if you’re manning a child all day and preparing for imminent disaster on varying levels). Most weekdays I am physically at work (save for every other Thursday when I also work from home) but every Tuesday I can pretty much count on having the flexibility of working from home. On these days I do (on top of my regular paid job) the following while my child and I are reaping the splendid benefits of daycare:

  • meal prep dinner for the week
  • light to heavy-duty cleaning around the house (with a focus on bathrooms/most-lived areas)
  • finalize my blog post of the week and make notes for the following week’s post
  • finish leftover laundry from the weekend
  • follow-up on any random errands/deadlines (i.e. appointments, to-do lists, groceries as necessary, household needs, etc.)

I made it through today by the skin of my teeth and was only able to get dinner on the table and an extra meal for the week. That’s it (and, well, hopefully this non-post-but-actually-it’s-a-totally-real post). Today was the first time in a long time that I considered skipping a week. Not that I don’t have anything to write about but because it’s been a difficult couple of weeks. I feel drained and constantly in a ‘catch-up’ state of mind. Every time I feel like I’m a smidgen ahead of the game, something else always comes up and I’m once again knee-deep behind on something else.

I guess it doesn’t help that the past two weeks have been filled with anxiety and emergency room visits with my daughter (we’re all okay and covid-free). The more anxious I feel, the worse the decisions I make. I’m slowly allowing negative thoughts to seep into my carefully crafted (yet fragile) positivity bubble. The small space I usually reserve in my brain for negativity (I declare this the “realism” sub-sphere) is slowly expanding and I feel like it’s making a permanent home in my psyche. On the one hand, I hate being negative because I honestly believe there is always (always!) something to be grateful for and I never want to be in a helpless state of woe, but on the other hand, I want to allow myself some grace. Everyone deserves a bit of grace; a moment to feel all the necessary feels.

I don’t have a clever way of ending this rant but since Mother’s Day is around the corner, I wanted to wish every mama out there a Happy Mother’s Day! We’ve all had a tough go, no matter your individual journeys. Please take a moment (or an hour, or a whole day) to admire your strength, your will, your power, your endurance, your courage, your spirit, and allow yourselves some grace. You deserve it, you’ve been holding it together for so damn long. Finally, when you feel good enough to get back up to start the next day all over again, put on that S cape and go over and kick that stupid wall down.   

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31 thoughts on “The Wall

  1. Here’s some positivity for ya: you are WAY more organized than I am, and I stay home all the time. I mean, I have a super super part time job from 10-2 M-Th, but where’s my excuse at all the other times?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are seriously goddessing chica! You’re doing so much, of course you feel like crap 🌺You’re a goddess, hang in there. I love the honesty of the post, it was def meant to be. And Happy Mother’s Day to you! I hope you have a day of you time and indulgence! xoxo 😘

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Happy Mother’s Day, and thank you for your honesty in this post. ❤️ I’m working on a post about laughter, but I’ve also been feeling down. Thought about skipping this week as well.
    Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and please take a week off if your mental health needs it. We’ll still be here. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think every mother can relate to hitting that wall. You really are doing an amazing job! Grace, grace and more grace. That is becoming the mantra for my mothering journey. ❤ Happy Mother's Day!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh my! You remain my role model for parenting! You amaze me! Go you!! You seriously deserve to have a splendiferous Mother’s Day!! You deserve, like, pancakes in bed, or something. You’re doing such a great job!! Keep it up!! Your daughter is so lucky to have you!! YAY! Happy early Mother’s Day to you!! Every day should be Mother’s Day! (Too bad, right? Ugh.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha splendiferous lol love that word! Makes me think of Mary Poppins 😅 thanks for the amazing words of support! I’ll take what I can get this Sunday lol… Mother’s day everyday sounds nice but it would be even nicer if the world was just kinder to all! 💞🧘‍♀️🙏✋🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  6. As I’ve mentioned to you before, one thing that attracted me to your blog was your honesty. Everyone can relate to that feeling where we don’t feel inspired, or we’re just hanging on by a thread. Life is no picnic sometimes, especially when you’ve already got nine plates spinning on various body parts and you realize you need to add one more. Sometimes the superwoman cape has to be at the dry cleaners. Happy Mother’s Day, BB!

    Speaking of which, we just got great news because we’re flying to Montana on Friday to see our son. We’ve been planning this trip as our first post-vaccination event for quite some time. Then our son called on Monday to say he had to leave work because he was terribly sick (He never gets sick). Well, you can imagine where our minds went. Thankfully, his COVID test was negative. Now he’s going to be making his mama one happy lady on Sunday.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Pete! 😭😭I’m so happy for you and your wife! I don’t even know what that would feel like to be so far away from your kid, especially when they’re not feeling well! This will be a memorable mother’s day for your wife for sure! I hope you all enjoy every minute of it!! 💞🤸‍♀️📯🧘‍♀️

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy Mother’s Day!! You’re doing great!! I can totally relate to the feeling of hitting a wall… or more, like I’m rushing to get things done and ran into an unexpected glass door. The honest is so appreciated. Things will get better! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy Mother’s Day! 💐💐 I’m exhausted reading your Tuesday to-do list. I think you’re doing amazingly well. And this was a pretty good post for a non-post!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I so get you!! I’ve been an anxious mess these past two weeks – my city is back in a lockdown, India is handling this wave terribly, I had to shut down my newly launched business because of the lockdown and I’ve had no motivation to work these past few weeks. I think it’s okay to just let everything go and really just be negative to just get it out of our system. I mean like one night where you sit down with a bottle of wine, watch a crappy movie, eat brownies and cry your heart out.
    But honestly, you’re doing SO many things – it’s amazing. I think you should be proud of yourself. I’ve barely been adulting these past few months. 🙈

    I hope you and your daughter are well. ❤️

    Get a break tomorrow – you deserve it! Happy Mother’s Day!! 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Moksha!! One of the things that has actually been helping me is the support of this amazing community, and you’re part of that. So sorry to hear it’s been a tough go for you and your business. 😕 Hope things improve very soon!!! ❤️❤️🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I think your experiences you mentioned in the post are why people say being a mom is the hardest job. I look at my sis and sis-in-law and wonder how they do it. And since I’ve been a dude my whole life, it makes me appreciate my mom even more haha. Thanks for the honesty in your writing!

    Liked by 1 person

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