Famous Last Words Vagina

“A hysto-what?” I questioned the bedside nurse who was prepping me for surgery.

“A hysteroscopy,” she said. As if repeating it at warp speed for the 2nd time could help me retain it better. This was the 3rd time I’d heard that word in my life and I still couldn’t wrap my tongue around it.

“A hyster-er-copy? Hyster-ro-copy?” I asked again, looking like a fool. I swear, I know how to read.

“Hysteroscopy.” This time a bit slower, but with dwindled patience. Her face spoke volumes: Get this, or else. “Hyster-ros-copy,” she said again. Then she turned swiftly and kept on walking.

Fine.

You know when someone says a word you can’t pronounce, you acknowledge that you can’t pronounce it and then you replace it in your head with a word you can pronounce, just so you can move on with life thinking: Whatever, when will I actually need to use it anyway? Never! I’m good! That’s what I did the first time I met my surgeon for the pre-surgery consult. She explained that this was a low-risk, minor surgery with no incision site. An instrument called a hysteroscope would be inserted through the vagina to complete this procedure.

The week leading up to my scheduled surgery, I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was dreading it because my mind automatically went to the worst-case, most dramatic scenario: Like, I could die! Realistically, though, the chances of death from this minor surgery were probably as high as dying from a papercut. Nevertheless, my mind went there anyway.

Then, the other thought I had was excitement! Yes, I went from dreading death to absolute jubilation. I was thrilled to finally have uninterrupted sleep. Okay, yes, technically being under general anesthesia is not exactly like falling into a deep REM sleep cycle but, my goodness, I will take anything for some extended siesta. I had been feeling so ragged and sleep-deprived lately that the thought of being under general anesthesia was like going to a luxury 5-star hotel to this mother. Sign me up again! (Though, no visitors please, especially anyone who needs anything from me.)

So, there I am laying on the sterile operating table, in the sterile operating room, looking up at the most sterile-looking people above me.

“Can you tell me what surgery you’re having today?”

Oy.

My surgeon asks me again when no words escape my mouth. I mean, honestly, is this the best patient-identifying information they could come up with? Ask me my name for heaven’s sake, my date of birth! I know that answer!

For the life of me, I could not pronounce this word (especially with this much pressure from the medical community staring right back at me). I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of all these people who, momentarily, would be able to talk openly about how moronic I was while I laid unconscious. I was in a vulnerable state.

Seeing me struggle to find the words, she tried one last time. “You can say it in your own words,” she prodded me again, just as she was covering the lower half of my face with a mask for the anesthetic gas.

As sleep tugged at the edges of my consciousness, I remember saying, “You’re… you’re going to… go up my vagina.” Then laughter erupted and filled the room as I drifted off to the deepest slumber I’ve had since, well, forever ago.

Do you have any funny fresh-out-of-comatose or general anesthesia stories?

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47 thoughts on “Famous Last Words Vagina

  1. Hahahahha omg. I am always so embarrassed with how wrong my pronunciation of most medical terms is, especially medicine names. I’m always surprised at how the pharmacist always understands even though I’m usually saying the medicine name completely wrong.

    Every time I go to the gynaecologist, I am TERRIFIED. One of her looking at me and telling me that I’m dying. Or, second, the worst – my mum finding out and freaking the hell out. Indian mothers are so weird about unmarried daughters visiting the gynae. It is crazy! 😀

    Liked by 4 people

    • I once heard a physician providing a complicated term for a diagnosis for someone I was accompanying. I had no idea what it was, and insisted on it being explained to me. It turned out it was a complicated term for “we don’t know what’s going on so the diagnosis is unknown”… I wish I remembered that term 🙂

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    • I know, whenever I say a word I am uncertain is correct, I always start strong then slowly get down to a whisper while the rest of the word trails off LOL… and I am looking at the clinicians, willing them to interrupt me with the proper pronunciation and most often they just continue to stare and wait until I finish LOL which is probably them being sadistic and doing it on purpose to get a good laugh with their other doctor friends in the back room LOL… these are all the thoughts that circle in my mind during these encounters LMAO

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome that you made them laugh. Loved the part about being under anesthesia was like a 5-star spa. Amen, sister! You so well portrayed that annoying nurse at the beginning, too. Glad you’re clearly through the surgery and are all good now! I’ll have to google whatever this hyster-something is!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL. I love this. The only time I was under general anaesthesia was for my cancer surgery. I remember the anaesthetist asking me if I had ever had surgery or general anaesthesia before. I quietly said “no” as I felt tears rolling out of my eyes. Next thing I knew I woke up in recovery.

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    • aww.. surgery is such a crazy thing to undergo. I almost had a panic attack as that mouthpiece was going over my face. I thought, “OMG what if I have a panic attack then go unconscious, could I even breathe on my own??” lol then I was out like a light LOL

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  4. Great story. Medical jargon is the worst. I understand your situation.

    My general anesthesia story is I got my wisdom teeth out, was put under. I’d worn Birks, the slide on kind. As I was going under in the dentist’s chair I realized my sandals were falling off my feet. When I came to *I’m told* I kept saying, “be careful, don’t trip over my sandals.” To which the staff member with me replied, “don’t worry, we got them out of the way.” Then I’d say, “well I’ll be damned.” The staff told me they took turns replying to me and every time I’d say, “well I’ll be damned.” They thought it was a hoot.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. After surgery, I came out of anesthesia and the nurse gave me instructions for treating my incision. I said, ‘Okay.’ About a minute later, I asked the nurse, ‘How do I take care of my incision?’ She got a good chuckle out of that. But I do like your story better. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • hahaha poor nurse, I bet she goes home and vents to her significant other about that being the hardest part of her day LOL repeating herself over and over again! Although, it does seem like that might be a humorous part of her job too LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  6. “You can say it in your own words.” I don’t know whether to laugh or get mad at that comment. It comes across as a bit condescending. Almost like, “If you’re a good girl, you can sit at the big kids’ table next time.”

    The last thing I remember before looking up at the person hauling me off for my last colonoscopy was the miner’s light-like thing he was wearing. I felt like saying, “Do you really have to go that deep?”

    I awoke in the recovery room with two other patients who had just undergone colonoscopies (hopefully by other surgeons.) I remember lying there being entertained by the chorus of farting. Some of us never grow up.🤣

    Liked by 1 person

    • hahaha oh my, I can’t imagine! I recently had to pick my husband up from his colonoscopy and I was hoping to get some classic shots of him all dopey but he was completely fine lol…

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  7. This was funny Jen – I liked them telling you to say it in your words. 🙂 I did have a funny story. Perhaps more horrifying than funny. Quite a few years ago I worked at a law firm that did medical and dental malpractice, always on the defense side. I got braces on my teeth when I was 20 years old and when I got them off, not long afterward, both my bottom wisdom teeth came in. My orthodontist had x-rayed my teeth when I got the braces off and said to alert him when the teeth hit the gum surface. He suggested I see an oral surgeon pronto. I asked my boss for a referral for a good oral surgeon and he gave me a seasoned doc, who was a specialist who was often on-call for severe mouth trauma accidents at local hospitals. Yes, he was that good.

    At work we were never to mention our clients that got sued, right. But when I filled out the paperwork the day of the extractions, naturally they asked where I worked and medical card info. My father had taken the day off work as I was to be put under as they were impacted and thus I couldn’t drive. The oral surgeon came into the room, looked me in the eye and said a slew of four-letter words about lawyers and legal secretaries and told me if his knife slipped, my mouth might be paralyzed and I’d better not sue him. He pulled down the corners of his mouth to emphasize what I might look like. I didn’t say a word, but I was already nervous going in without this BS. He kept egging me on, then went to give me the anesthesia to begin the procedure. I was so terrified I am sure I was not fully under as I heard every crack of those teeth coming out of my mouth and my jawline and my neck were green bruises all over. It was on the Friday of the Memorial Day holiday and a co-worker was getting married the next day. I knew I was just going to the church only and I looked like someone beat me up. I couldn’t wear a scarf or a hat as it was May, but I wanted to attend. Yes, he was good at what he did but what an idiot!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG! What a terrible experience! That’s so appalling to me and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You’re right, it’s nerve-wracking enough, the idea of going “under the knife” or any type of surgery but that makes it a thousand times more frightful!

      Side note, you are one goood friend! LOL I am not sure I’d have step foot outside, let alone a wedding, looking all bruised and beaten lol… good for you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sheldon Mintz was stranger than strange Jen and he had been sued several times, but was still considered one of the best oral-maxillofacial surgeons in Michigan, so I went to him. In retrospect I wonder why I decided to go to that wedding as vain as I used to be back in the day? But I had promised her and felt badly I was not going to the reception. I decided to wear a two-piece dress that was celery colored and it had a big scarf that hooked on the top and went around your neck (this was ’79 or ’80 and the style then) and I told people my face matched the dress – the bruises blossomed into green splotches the next day for that Saturday wedding.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahaha I can totally imagine being the staffers during your op. I myself am a happy drunk, and I’m no different in the first couple of seconds of anaesthesia. I’ve been put under twice, and both times I hit on the nurse when I was high. Thankfully, I only manage to get out a sentence or two before I’m out, lol. Anyway, this post was a laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG, Jen. When I first started reading this, especially after looking up the meaning of this unpronounceable, I scrolled through the rest with some trepidation. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to tell us you had some major medical problem. Whew, glad that didn’t happen. IDK your health history but, since this was your third time through this procedure (and I hope that’s all it was and not really a surgery where they have to cut you), I’m guessing there have been some “female” issues. They didn’t have to cut you, did they?
    Your story reaffirmed how blessed I am in my physical health. I have only been under general anesthesia for my hip replacement surgery and also, I think, for my first colonoscopy.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Scribbles and Doodles – Everpine Forest & Farm

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