June 18, 2016:
Someone broke into our condo and left this odd ransom note.
Oh wait, it’s my fiance who thinks I respond well to barbaric demands written in threatening, barely-legible letters. #checkyourselfbuddy #idontreadenglish #fineiwilldoitlater!
June 5, 2016:
Me: Stop rushing me!
Him: We’re gonna be late for baseball!!
Him: Going forward, we are leaving 5 minutes before the hour.
Me: I don’t respond well to passive aggressive memos.
May 7, 2016:
Me: *makes lovely meal for dinner*
Him: *watching Sportsnet*
Me: “Can you pour us some water, babe?”
Him: “You just want the world from me.”
May 3, 2016:
Him: *downs the rest of the 2L Pepsi bottle as if this is his first drink in 5 months*
Me: “All that’s missing behind you is a trailer park.”
April 12, 2016:
Me: I promise I won’t boss you around or tell you what to do for the rest of the week.
Him: Are you okay? Did you hit your head?
April 7, 2016: Who knew back fat could be so emotionally distressing. #yourbackisjiggly
April 6, 2016: I just learned the heimlich maneuver. I need to practice. Can you choke on something?
March 29, 2016: I’m sorry I falsely diagnosed you as a sociopath.
March 27, 2016: You have the emotional capacity of a pigeon.
March 22, 2016:
Me: *randomly slaps him in the face (lightly), just because it’s my birthday*
Him: I’m going to beat the shit out of you on my birthday.
March 21, 2016: You are the light of my world, without you there would only be darkness.
I am the febreeze to your farts.
You are the cracker and I am the cheese.
March 19, 2016:
Him: *dies a thousand deaths in Mario Maker*
Him: Frig! Don’t laugh at me!
Me: I’m not. I’m laughing with you. You just don’t wanna laugh. That’s not my fault.
March 14, 2016:
Me: Look how cute your nephew is!!
Him: I’m gonna f*** up your future. Shooting a ruger through your uber.
Me: Huh?? Wrong person.
Me: Wtf was that?
Him: You don’t like my rap?
Me: But it has nothing to do with your nephew.
Him: I know. I’m listening to music while I’m working. That line was dope.
Me: Well I can’t hear it from here you know, so you sound crazy.
Me: And violent.
Him: Hahaha I love you.
Me: Love you too.
March 13, 2016:
March 13, 2016: How to get away with murder… No seriously, I’m asking…
March 12, 2016:
Me: Did you eat all my hickory sticks? Did you find them?
Him: No. I forgot we had them last night. Now I’m gonna go find them!
Me: You’re a monster.
March 11, 2016: I just muzzled a grown, drunken man to sleep. #youtalktoomuch #imnotgoingtohurtyou #shhhh #itstimeforbednow #dontsayineverdidanythingforyou
March 10, 2016: Instead of the usual conversation starter of “so, crazy weather we’re having eh?”… My new one will be, “so, heroin epidemic in the Americas eh?”
February 15, 2016: “I’m not a big fan of the Orientals.”
February 14,2016: The wind is hurting me.
February 13, 2016:
Me: You didn’t kiss me goodnight.
Him: Yes I did, in spirit.
Me: Your spirit sucks.
February 10, 2016: My grandmother just wished me a happy new year filled with love, luck and happiness. I think I might have wished her a lifetime of oranges. #languagebarrierproblems #learnyourmothertongue
February 9, 2016:
Me: Babe, I felt so dizzy earlier today.
Him: Why babe, you okay?
Me: Do you think I’ve been working out too much?
Him: No. [Translation: Keep going. Never stop.]
February 8, 2016: The little addition of the letter “e” can be so detrimental to the words super bowl. #generalobservations
February 7, 2016: One of the toughest things about living with someone else: trying not to look in their general direction when eating something they don’t get to eat. (Because they already ate their portion last night and you decided to save yours for lunch today, not because you have no soul.)
February 4, 2016: Getting my work out on, Day 3. Hell hath no fury like a woman bout to get murried. #truestory #ido #idotakeTHEsalad
February 1, 2016: *sigh* Back to the grind. And by “grind” I mean this book. And by “book” I mean this thing that is hurting my soul.
January 19, 2016: I’m sorry I sneezed in your armpit this morning. It was either your face or your armpit. You’re welcome actually.
January 18, 2016: “Why don’t they have Gay Bachelor? Like Gachelor.” #unwantedcommentary
January 14, 2016: You don’t respect my sleep patterns.
December 22, 2015: The moment, after a week of being ill, you regain 50% of your hearing back that you didn’t even know you lost. #iamnowcomplete #ididntseeyouthere #youdonthavetoyell
December 18, 2015: My left nostril won’t let me breeve.
October 22, 2015: I. Am. Ache.
October 14, 2015: “Marcus Stroman’s father has the biggest arms I’ve ever seen.” – Jamie Campbell, SN
October 3, 2015: Because bears don’t understand the concept of reasoning… and more importantly, he doesn’t go by “Bear.”
October 1, 2015: Feel like I just fought an epic war I didn’t even want to fight! And no one even won! Worst type of battle ever!
September 27, 2015: Sucks being on a dimly-lit, small dead-end street next to a dumpster…
September 22, 2015: “She is somewhere, but she is not here.”
September 20, 2015: “When I was your age, I just had to stare out the window.”
September 17, 2015: Because sometimes bravery is just dealing with the cards you’ve been dealt.
September 4, 2015: Forgive not those who whip dirty socks at your face when least expecting it.
September 2, 2015: There’s no reason why I should be bothered by my armpit fat… but I am. #thestruggleisreal
August 31, 2015: I think it’s time I find a new hiding spot for my snacks. I know he knows I know.
August 28, 2015: Open the gate.
August 17, 2015: Sucks when your manfriend is on staycation and you gotta get up and go to work.
August 11, 2015: How have I never experienced Ruffles Poutine chips yet? Love.
August 10, 2015: I feel blessed for all the things I have and all the things I have learned to cope without.
August 9, 2015: I’ve now been reassigned to putting a fresh bag in the garbage can. This is one giant step back for womankind.
August 4, 2015: Here’s a life tip: don’t listen to creepy real-life 911 call recordings on youtube before bedtime. Or ever.
August 1, 2015: The moment you remember you hid a pack of cookies on top of the fridge behind the cereal so the significant other wouldn’t eat it all. #happiness
July 30, 2015: “When you love someone, you shoot the moon, put out the sun; when you love someone.“
June 22, 2015: “All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost.”
June 7, 2015: Your ass smells like hand.
June 6, 2015: *sigh* I hate being pale. I want to be tanned.
May 30, 2015: Your email woke me up.
May 27, 2015: This guy’s upset because I’m not the best conversationalist at 5:30am after being woken up 3x… lol really?
May 15, 2015:
May 14, 2015: “If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” – Jim Rohn
May 8, 2015:
May 6, 2015: Studies show that chocolate helps alleviate menstrual cramps. In that case, I’ve been menstruating for 60 days now.
May 5, 2015: My thighs are now touching each other. I never thought this day would come. We (my thighs and I) ask that the public respect our privacy during this difficult time.
April 20, 2015: Your face is egregious.
April 8, 2015: My attempts at limiting my daily wunderbar consumption is proving to be difficult.
April 6, 2015: The monthly fire alarm test. Shoot me. Shoot me now.
April 5, 2015: State of deflation.
April 3, 2015: It just dawned on me how narcissistic it is to have an entire blog site based on one’s thoughts, likes, opinions and experiences… lol oh well. Such is me.
March 26, 2015: Carry me home tonight.
March 13, 2015: I just realized I have no shoulders. Not sure where to go from here.
March 12, 2015: Your personality is cumbersome.
March 11, 2015: In this house we only use chopsticks to stir mixed drinks.
March 10, 2015: To the lady at Friendly Thai: You don’t understand, I cannot change. It is not within me to change.
Later that day: Ever show up to an appointment one day early? Yea, I’m an idiot.
March 9, 2015: Why do I always find myself making rice?
March 6, 2015: Somedays I swear my faucet is trying to kill me. Evidently hot means hot and cold means scalding hot. If you don’t know what lukewarm is then I don’t want to do this with you!
March 5, 2015: This morning I heard him humming cheerfully in the shower and thought, “gotta get him to do more around the place”.
March 4, 2015: I did it. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do again after you moved in.
I took out the garbage.
And I replaced it with a fresh bag.
Don’t mention it.
February 25, 2015: My one errand today that got me to leave the condo was a big fat fail. Went to my usual mechanic for a routine oil change and after waiting for an hour and a half at the GHETTOest Country Style coffee shop, I came back only to be told to come another day. Uruguay!!!!! And to top it all off, there was a battle of the music apps at the coffee shop! One lady thought it was okay to play her music out loud from her phone and I assume the lady behind me was so ticked off she decided to fight back and play her own music on her phone. At one point I looked around to see if anyone was noticing anything or perhaps it was my crazy imagination because no one seemed to give a poop! And then at one point I tried really hard to listen to see if perhaps the music was coming from the shop’s speakers because who in their right mind would think playing music from their phone is okay (and at a decibel much louder than the normal indoor speaking voice)? So then I thought, perhaps they don’t know that their ear buds are not working?? But they weren’t wearing any!!!!! Seriously?!? And this is not the first time either! I’ve seen it plenty on the subway… what’s going on? Is this a trend now or something??