Schticks and Stones: The Turning Point Series

This is the Turning Point Series where I recall events in my life that changed the course of my journey in some significant, impactful way. I almost entitled it the TP Series but then thought better of it. Given the state of our world with covid and everything, I didn’t want people to wrongly assume this was the central spot to find the best toilet paper sales in the north (it’s not, btw).

Growing up I had a schtick, like what I truly believed about myself. I carried it with me everywhere like a security blanket. It was a bit I would tell myself, whether it was true or not. It was what I genuinely thought about myself. It had less to do with what people told me and more to do with what people never told me.

It went something like this:
I’ll never be the prettiest girl in the room…
I’ll never be someone who wins anything…
I’ll never be someone that things come easy for…
I might never end up with someone who loves me for who I am- this only happens for other people…
The belief that you can be whatever you want to be, so long as you put your mind to it? That will never be me…
I am nothing special…
But it’s okay.

And it had been okay, for a while.

To others, the above may have sounded bleak and hopeless, but I really didn’t consider any of that negative self-talk. For me, it was just my truth. For whatever reason, I’m sure I could dive deeper into this, I just understood those things about myself. I didn’t necessarily have to repeat them over and over again like a mantra, day after day, because it was my reality then. I just believed this growing up, it was almost instinctual.

That security blanket turned into baggage, and I continued to carry it with me everywhere I went. I used it as an excuse to achieve less in some areas of my life. Why try when I knew the exact outcome? I didn’t think I deserved anything more than what was given to me and whatever was given to me, I was eternally grateful for. Whether it was a less-than-average friendship, a less-than-average raise, or a less-than-average relationship, I accepted less because I believed myself to be just that- lesser.

I would then project that narrative of mine out into the world. And I suppose I got back what I put out. I can’t really pinpoint a time in my life when I morphed from a doormat into someone with a strong voice, but that voice emerged indeed (slowly but surely). That’s when I started to find my footing and challenge these thoughts in my head. Why did I ever think I wasn’t enough? I found only when I could look at myself and question my beliefs about myself, did I really have the courage to ask others for more of everything: respect, understanding, empathy, value, recognition, faith, kindness, and loyalty.

Did you have a schtick growing up? What are some things you believed about yourself? Were you wrong? Where do you think this belief of yours came from?

Read other posts from this series:

Liked this post? Check out other popular posts on my blog:

6 thoughts on “Schticks and Stones: The Turning Point Series

  1. I had similar feelings in school and they popped up again when my husband was in Afghanistan. There was this nagging feeling that he would die over there and I’d be alone… exactly the way I deserved to be. I felt that I wasn’t pretty enough and more recently with my weight gain after having my son, not pretty enough has been a common theme. Asking my husband over and over again “not bad for a fat girl right?” in other words… “can you still love me in this body?”
    I definitely have an issue with these things. It takes a lot of work to overcome them and I think this is true for not just you, but a lot of women.
    I was thinking about writing something about the fat girl thing on my blog. I went from a size 0 to a size 14 in a short amount of time. I’ve attempted to loose weight and was successful. I lost 50 lbs and then… gained it back when my health became complicated again.
    It’s not easy to require our brain. I’m no more less deserving of love at a size 0 than I am at a size 14. Sometimes I have to shout that into my brain. Just because I’m heavier doesn’t mean I’m not pretty. Just because I weigh more, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have clothes that make me feel good in my own skin. I can be sexy too!

    So I can relate absolutely and we women need to do better because a confident woman IS a sexy woman. A confident woman will attract the kind of guy that she deserves and a woman who thinks she’s “less than” will end up with an abuser… not because she deserves it but because she thinks she does. Amazing post as always my talented friend 🥰❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It would be an interesting study to determine what percentage of people develop feelings of inadequacy from within as some kind of defense mechanism vs. those who’ve been told they’ll never measure up. Most kids I taught with self-esteem issues acquired those feelings because of their environments. It takes a strong person to overcome all those negative messages.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How amazing! Sounds like you had what I call a goddess awakening, although i won’t push that terminology on you 😬🌺 I wonder where that comes from as well, as you know I’ve had a similar experience where I was like “hey, wait a minute, no, just no.” I wonder if it just comes with time and when we get to a point where we become tired of the old version of ourselves. I love hearing about this and would love more juicy details if you ever remember them! Thank you for sharing! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good questions. Growing up I believed that if I’d be perfect then good things would come to me. I was a very uptight only child with parents who didn’t exactly see eye-to-eye so I felt like I was in the middle all. the. time. I tread carefully as to not upset anyone. I don’t let perfectionism rule me anymore, but it took adulthood and living with someone who was/is constantly supportive of who I am to get me beyond it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Actually, I think most children grow up feeling this way, some more than others. I’ve watched 38 years of children, and most need plenty of assurance and positivity, and hugs. Big time. It takes adulthood before that goes away, yet for most of us it will always linger a little bit. Now you know why the social and emotional development of children is #1. Thank you for sharing ‘you’.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s